I am on a social app for women to anonymously talk about their bodies and such without male presence/awkwardness of face-to-face. It is a very nice app, we have a sweet community! Everyone is a precious little cupcake and it is just so nice!
There is a section on the forums where girls (mostly young ones) go to ask or talk about their boyfriends or girlfriends. The most asked question is about when to bring up “the sex.”
Firstly, if you care about this person, it is not going to be awkward. Just kidding. It is going to be awkward. However, you must have that conversation. There are no “ifs, ands, or buts” about it.
It is safety.
That is the most important thing. You must feel safe. Personal safety and comfort is important whether it is your first time or your 100th time. This goes for both girls and guys. But, guys tend to be more open about it than girls. I do not know why that is, but it is something I have observed over my short life on this earth.
In today’s society, sex is on the forefront of everyone’s mind. Personally, I do not believe that should be the case, but that is the way it is.
Ok, so, my perception of love and sex and dating comes from… well… years of reading books published before 1945. So, you can see where I might have been a little behind on the times when I started dating. I’ve thrice been in the situation where my boyfriend/person I had gone on a date with has kissed me and it has been without my permission. In fact, immediately afterwards, my SO said, “I really should have asked you if it was ok, first. I’m sorry.”
Of those three, he is first guy who has even thought that he should have asked first.
And that is due, in large part, (not just to the fact he has been a total gentleman…
except the other day, but every relationship has its ups and downs) to the fact I asserted how I felt about sex and intimacy in a relationship.
I could not take it anymore and commented on one of these forums with:
Look, I realize you may feel super awkward about the whole sex conversation, but you have got to assert how you feel. Don’t just let him lead. He is not going to know what is okay or not if you say nothing. If you just roll with it, you will regret it later. I’m pretty easy going, myself. But, I knew I would not feel safe in the relationship I am in now if I had not asserted how I felt about intimacy. Yes, it is awkward, but that’s ok. Sex is awkward – not like the movies.
It is a conversation that absolutely needs to happen. And not just once or twice. It needs to happen pretty regularly. You both need to be open about how you feel about EVERYTHING in that department.
Love you all,