Maybe it is the New Year. Maybe 2016 was such a flaming pile of shit for me that where I am just feels like backsliding. Actually, I’m not even moving. I’m not getting better, not becoming a more whole, more fun person. No betterment is happening where I am at currently.
I mean, I just feel like I am spinning my wheels (which I realize is a falsity seeing as I do not have any wheels).
It is just same mistake after same mistake. The things that have always bothered me continue to bother me. The same drama happens over and over and over again with no changes short of tiny details and different people.
I have, however, come to the realization that it is where I am that is at least half the problem. It is a small town. This college is run by the same small-town politics I detested hearing about as a child. I have lived in small towns my whole life. There is just something about the atmosphere.
Yeah, sure, it is safer. My late-night walks are not taken in constant fear of being mugged.
So, I suppose, there is that.
It is just a dry, beige town. Nothing picturesque. No escape to somewhere beautiful.
The other half of the problem is divided into several sections: anxiety, self-neglect, and a constant stream of sarcasm since I cannot process and express my emotions in a positive way.
There is an issue, I believe, to teaching children to put others first. Some people, like myself, put so much into making sure others are safe and happy that by the time they realize something is wrong with them… well, it is a little late. It is just this never-ending state of exhaustion. The feeling of not belonging… of giving and giving and giving, yet, receiving nothing in return is so utterly draining. I cannot seem to find much of anyone who is not toxic or need something from me.
Last year – almost exactly a year ago – I lost the one person I knew did not judge me for my thoughts and feelings. The one person I could talk to without feeling there was something wrong with me. It has been a lonely year. Progressively feeling like more and more of an inadequate human being – someone that is just constantly annoying. Like a gnat that you cannot catch or kill, but is always there taunting you.
Social media does not help me, here. It is just the constant reminder of how people I would drop everything for (if they needed or wanted me) do not ask how I am, do not ask to hang out (unless they need something or there is a problem), do not like or comment on anything I post.
I have, like, two friends: a friend I have (literally) had for 12 years and my boyfriend (who handles stuff really similarly to me which is a bit exhausting). Not for lack of trying, though! I have set up movie days, game days… and it is, nearly, the same people over and over that are the only ones to show up. I have messaged people to hang out and I either do not get a response or I find myself getting the response: “Oh, I am so sorry! I’m busy… maybe some other time.”
Maybe the problem is me. But, I do not know how to be anything but me.
Thanks for reading.