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Me

Let me talk about me for a moment.

I usually avoid the topic of Me as I’ve learned to hide myself behind layers and layers of protection.

It is difficult to find me (though I seem so obviously and painfully available and open). It is a long path across a tropical island full of distractions and careful side-tracks. The path, then comes to an abrupt stop. There is a gigantic wall with a single door. There are numerous locks and each lock has a different key. Each key, a different conversation that allows the listener a small piece of Me. Once the door is opened, there are layers and layers of brick walls and steel doors and the path ending at steel bars where Me lies.

Sometimes it is a kind word at the right moment or the long association with someone I assume has my best interests at heart that those layers begin to dissolve. It is, to say, I am the Man Behind the Curtain.

A curtain of careful aversions.

I am the friend that would do anything for you – even if I did not like you or respect you. Some say it is because I am nice. I say it is because I know what it feels like to be the person without a shoulder to cry on. I know what it’s like to cry myself to sleep over what, others would say, are trivial things.

I adjust my clothes constantly, checking in every mirror and every reflection.  They say I am vain.  They do not know of the years I was bullied for how I look.

I give chance after chance to those who have hurt me. They say it is because I am patient. I say it is because I have said hurtful things (and done stupid things) and I know how it feels to not be forgiven.

I think passing strangers laugh at me or give me sideways glances.   They say I am insecure.  They do not know how conditioned responses become after years of being backstabbed by trusted persons.

I accept all fault in arguments and disagreements – in most situations to help keep the peace. They say it is because I’m a loser. I was just raised to be humble.

I could continue talking about Me, I could explain why I behave so “irrationally” as you say.

But, why should I explain ME to a world that only cares for its own troubles?

Why should I explain to people who would rather see me fall than lift me up?

To people who would rather tear me down than admit fault?

You may think as you like about me, but, I am a warrior – a queen who has not yet reached her full potential.

You may not love me or like me.

You may think I’m too nice and try to walk over me, but that ends today.

I’ve spent too long hiding from who I am.

Hiding ME from a world that actually doesn’t care.

I am growing, I am evolving.

I am Me.

2 thoughts on “Me

  1. Well I think you are pretty great (from the little I know you through the blog). Of course my opinion counts for nothing in the grand scheme of things, but there it is anyway 🙂

    Like

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